I found a list of a few common terms in job postings whose meaning you should understand before responding to the ad. I thought I’d share:
Apply In Person: We’ll tell you the position has already been filled if you are old, fat, ugly, or tattooed.
Career Minded: Female applicants must be childless, and pregnancy will not be tolerated.
Casual Atmosphere: We don’t pay you enough to buy nice ties and shoes.
Competitive Salary: We stay competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Duties Vary: You will be asked to serve coffee, handle the boss’ dry cleaning, or wash an executive’s car, from time to time.
Fast-Paced Company: We have no time to train you.
Good Communication Skills Needed: When management fails to communicate effectively — which is often — you will be expected to listen carefully and figure it out on your own. If something goes wrong, you will be blamed.
Must Be Deadline Oriented: You will already be six months behind schedule the day we hire you.
Must Have an Eye for Detail: We have no quality control, so if something goes wrong, we’ll blame you.
Must Have Leadership Skills: You will get the responsibility of management without commensurate title, pay, or respect.
No Telephone Calls Please: We’ve already filled the position. This posting is just a legal formality.
Problem Solving Skills Critical: The office is in perpetual chaos, and nobody knows how to prioritize.
Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience: You will be expected to do the jobs of three people who just left.
Some Overtime Required: . . . each night and every weekend.