Chad Perrin: SOB

18 January 2010

Business Terms Explained

Filed under: Humor,Profession — apotheon @ 03:43

I found a list of a few common terms in job postings whose meaning you should understand before responding to the ad. I thought I’d share:

  • Apply In Person: We’ll tell you the position has already been filled if you are old, fat, ugly, or tattooed.

  • Career Minded: Female applicants must be childless, and pregnancy will not be tolerated.

  • Casual Atmosphere: We don’t pay you enough to buy nice ties and shoes.

  • Competitive Salary: We stay competitive by paying less than our competitors.

  • Duties Vary: You will be asked to serve coffee, handle the boss’ dry cleaning, or wash an executive’s car, from time to time.

  • Fast-Paced Company: We have no time to train you.

  • Good Communication Skills Needed: When management fails to communicate effectively — which is often — you will be expected to listen carefully and figure it out on your own. If something goes wrong, you will be blamed.

  • Must Be Deadline Oriented: You will already be six months behind schedule the day we hire you.

  • Must Have an Eye for Detail: We have no quality control, so if something goes wrong, we’ll blame you.

  • Must Have Leadership Skills: You will get the responsibility of management without commensurate title, pay, or respect.

  • No Telephone Calls Please: We’ve already filled the position. This posting is just a legal formality.

  • Problem Solving Skills Critical: The office is in perpetual chaos, and nobody knows how to prioritize.

  • Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience: You will be expected to do the jobs of three people who just left.

  • Some Overtime Required: . . . each night and every weekend.

Notes from Beyond

Filed under: Miscellaneous — apotheon @ 03:10

While going through some of my old papers today, I stumbled across some notes from my late grandmother, Audrey. My favorites follow:

  • There are times when silence has the loudest voice.

  • It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.

  • Most of us can keep a secret. It’s the people we tell it to who can’t.

  • People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do.

All original content Copyright Chad Perrin: Distributed under the terms of the Open Works License